Foodlucky

Have you ever met someone and were immediately taken back by the manner in which they were able to sell themselves to the general public. Imagine the ability to captivate an audience by selling empty dreams and promises. Think back to the times of the pyramid schemes in which only those at the top seen the wealth while riding upon the coattails of those beneath to advance their own personal agenda and status position and you'll begin to understand the way in which a narcissist captivates, eludes, and dances to a different tune to entrance their victims into giving them everything they can provide.

1. Gambling Made Me Homeless

I had a very serious gambling problem which lead me to being incarcerated in maximum security prison for nine months. The absolute devastation and consequences of my gambling addiction has made me want to help others to prevent anyone else going through the hell that I have put my family through. Gambling is illegal in Hawai‘i, but it is accessible through technology (eg, the internet), inexpensive trips to Las Vegas, and illegal gaming such as lottery sales, internet gambling, and sports betting. Where there are opportunities to gamble, there is a probability that problem gambling exists.

Many of the victims from narcissism didn't start out as poor nor did they foolishly hand over their control of their wealth. They were in fact preyed upon by a wolf in sheep's clothing, a smooth talker, a charmer, a chameleon, and in many cases someone who sold them empty promises of a brighter future. However, what the narcissist doesn't tell these unsuspecting targets is how they will be used, in many cases abused, and devalued and discarded being left penniless, homeless, and struggling for their basic necessities.

In the beginning of every 'normal' relationship the person may exaggerate slightly , alter the perception of who they really are, but with narcissists they take it to the extreme. They will love bomb and overwhelm their victims with luxuries they've never had in the past. They surround and bombard their victims with constant attention, lavish gifts, while adorning them with praise. However, it's short lived as once you begin to fall for the swooning and advancements the narc will begin to slowly withdraw and the more you fight to win them back, or alter you behavior to please , the more they will have locked you into their vicious cycle. Narcissist seeks out victims with certain character traits such as the very empathetic, nurturing, intelligent, loving, and compassionate souls.

So how does financial abuse relate to narcissism:

• Victims must stick to budget, but not the narcissist. Narcissists are allowed to spend how they see fit, with their own resources, and may even exaggerate their funds to get more promotions or advancements within their own careers. If you request they stick to a budget, it will be met with hostility, anger, and bitterness. How dare anyone ever question how they spend money, money they feel entitled too, and money for which they feel no need to share even if it's with their own family. Family and Offspring are merely mere extensions of themselves, they only serve one purpose which is to benefit the narcissist.
• Account for every cent. This may include using online sources such as budgeting tools ie. Quicken or Spreadsheets. Keeping a running register from the first day you met the narcissist. They are great at documenting everything you spent but never as good in monitoring the same transactions upon themselves. Mine was unable to pay bills on time, taxes on time, or even keep a balanced checkbook .
• Using other family members names to make purchases without their knowledge or permission. In my own case my narcissist would use my name or our children's names to make purchases for himself. They were small purchases ie. books, magazines, coins, etc...that might have gone unnoticed had I not intercepted the mail and seen bills made out in my name for items I never requested nor authorized for purchase and that I had to fight to have removed. Nevertheless he would not only order them but then not make prompt payment thereby ruining the credit of the unsuspecting victim in this case myself or our children and would go so far as to state they were gifts to use later on as tax right offs even though we never requested such items. Narcissist feel a sense of entitlement, they view family as property, they view children as mere objects of their desire. They have no boundaries when it comes to trickery, deceit, or forgery. Beware of narcissists in workplaces as they will often be seen signing bad checks, cashing checks without authorization, making unnecessary transactions or taking claim for payment when it was others who made payment on their behalf while they accept graciously all refunds afforded to them. IF caught, they will quickly resign from that position and move on to somewhere they are not as well known for this type of financial pattern.
• Secretive hidden past financial problems. Beware of those who refuse to provide documentation, share bills, show finances, or allow involvement into their finances. This is a clear tell tale sign that something is off and needs to be examined. For instance, not providing tax documentation, never showing bills, sending bills to other post boxes, or using out of town addresses. Narcissists sell themselves, and will often boast above and beyond what they are capable of attaining, achieving, or providing. They may state they have a lavish lifestyle and seem to live by the book, but in reality they foolishly spend and waste and often are incapable of being financially secure. You might notice separate bank accounts, tax free/duty free accounts offshore, or shared accounts with a business partner or family member but not a spouse.
• Narcissist are very stingy with their money. They feel they earned it, they're entitled to it, and they don't have to account for it. They however also feel entitled to anything anyone else might also possess. Therefore, lets say you decide to sell some used clothes at a consignment shop one day and make a ten dollar profit. If they find out, they will want the entire profit for their safe keeping because they feel a sense of entitlement especially if they are the breadwinner and have provided the basics of food, clothing, or shelter for you. In theory, what is theirs is theirs and what's yours is also theirs. Don't expect any repayment for cash or credit card purchases, even if the narc promises reimbursement. This is a gimic, they use to keep stringing you on, and making you hold unto hope that they mean what they say, yet actions speak louder than words. Expect to be harassed over the credit card debt or continuing cycle of debt as your fault yet you were asked by the narc to make the purchase on their behalf for them. Blaming others for their misfortunes is common. I can recall many instances in which I was labeled a financial disaster even though I had accumulated credit worthiness based on his income as an unemployed homemaker with unused credit, yet if I bought one item I'd be labeled as a shopaholic even though I was shopping at thrift stores, using coupons, recycling cans and any other means to save a dollar.
• Withhold money or credit cards
• Providing allowance
• Withhold basic necessities (food, clothing, shelter, medications). The basic rule is simple. You are not entitled to anything without permission regardless of the need. Doctors appointments for kids shall wait until after the narc pays his bills first. Prioritization of bills includes all narc needs being met first, then the wife and kids as last on the list after all else is paid including strangers, charitable donations, or helping hands ie. friends that provided services such as household chores and hard manual labor.
• Stealing cards~ This is a big one as the narcissist wants and needs to feel superior. They need to feel as though everyone else is inferior to them, and that they have the power and control over everyone. They don't believe that anyone could be as intelligent to figure out their plan to deceive and con others out of their funds. This is especially important to those seeking to leave the relationship because they want to keep you destitute, dependent upon them, and without the capacity or funding to escape. Be very cautious when leaving a narcissist and make sure you have a backup plan with proper authorities and assistance to help yourself financially.
• Prevention of working or choosing a career~ As a stay at home mom I agreed mutually with my ex narcissist to stay home long enough till our youngest attended school, yet ironically when the time finally came to go back to work, he began having an affair and was already lining up the next supply (victim). Narcissist have a keen sense of when things are not working in a relationship and will abandon the relationship without hesitation and without notice to anyone else involved. They will pursue vigorously their next target without even ending their current relationship without remorse or even an after thought. Their main goal is to have a constant supply to provide for them at all costs.

'How Does A Narcissist Handle Divorce and React to It?'

By B. Robert Farzad

Gambling Made Me Homeless

There are a lot of different types of financial abuse that we have seen over the years by a narcissist husband or a narcissist wife. The most common are:

1. Lying about income, especially if self-employed
2. Hiding or diverting assets, especially if the narcissist spouse has been in control of the financial estate throughout the marriage
3. Refusing to cooperate in the discovery process, which is the formal process of gathering information in divorce litigation.
4. Refusing to pay child support or alimony, even after it is ordered
5. Unnecessarily and unreasonably driving up the fees and costs of litigation by delay tactics, lack of cooperation or forcing litigation over simple issues
6. Making false allegations of domestic violence in a divorce or custody case, as well as false allegations of abuse or neglect to gain additional custody and increase leverage on support issues.

Money as Love

Written byAlexander Burgemeester

According To Sam Vaknin, author and expert on NPD, money is another word for love in the narcissist’s emotional vocabulary. Having been deprived of love early on in the narcissist’s childhood, he constantly seeks love substitutes. To him, money is the ultimate love substitute. Dr. Vaknin states that all the qualities of the narcissist are manifested in his relationship with money, and in his attitude towards it. For example, due to his sense of entitlement he feels that he is entitled to other people’s money.

Secondly, his grandiose thinking leads him to believe that he should have, or does have, more money than he actually possesses. This leads to reckless spending, to pathological gambling, to substance abuse, or to compulsive shopping.

Third, narcissists engage in magical thinking which leads to irresponsible, shortsighted behavior for which they believe they are immune from the results of that behavior. They descend into debt, commit financial crimes, and hassle people- including their closest relatives.

Furthermore, their fantasies lead them to believe in their fabricated financial “facts” which are not commensurate with their talents, qualifications, jobs, and resources. They pretend to be richer than they are or pretend to be capable of becoming rich if they so desire. They are greedy but have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with money. They can be mean, stingy, and calculating with their own money yet an eager spendthrift with other people’s money. They live lavishly and often well above their means. It is not uncommon for narcissists to go bankrupt and ruin their businesses.

Lastly, reality is distorted and does not match their grandiose fantasies. Nowhere is the grandiosity gap more evident than where money is involved.

We all have desires that we may obsess about: expensive clothes, sex, gourmet food, or exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money. They think about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, and whom to manipulate to get more- including how to take family members money/inheritance. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, and affection. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s unwavering goal. Thoughts about obtaining more money are always on the narcissist’s mind. Having an abundance of money makes them feel more entitled and superior to others.

Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on the working class. They don’t seek knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight. They seek to achieve their greatest goal-being able to have whatever they desire as well as attracting other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money cravings. A too common situation is for a narcissistic sibling, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth- to become their confidante, their favored and trusted one. This is done over many years and is a well planned scheme.

This sibling invariably becomes the executor of the parent’s sizable will and convinces the mother or father to bestow upon them the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minute portion of the total). He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent’s death so that he can inherit the entire estate and lead a life of pleasure and comfort. The greedy, narcissistic sibling may even abandon his own children and spouse to move on to a life of luxury. He or she will not look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind; they don’t worry about others. After they have their inheritance, they still feel the lust for money; some pursue other unethical, and often illegal, ventures to scam others.

For example, they may form romantic relationships that will allow them to gain psychological and monetary control of another victim. The desire to have more money never diminishes. The narcissist will not stop victimizing others i.e. disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, and causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Summary:

Be watchful of what information you provide to a narcissist, as they often twist and turn around information provided to use against you.

Be knowledgeable that the narcissist has one goal in mind to win at any cost even during their every day lives.

Narcissist want to always be right, be seen as righteous, and have loyal followers believing they are somehow bigger than what they make themselves out to be.

Never take a narcissist at their word, as this means nothing. As for proof, validate, document, and be observant around them at all times.

The trail of financial destruction that narcissist leave behind is vast, all encompassing, and rampant. They simply move from one victim to the next leaving each one to pick up the pieces. For many victims it takes years to regain back what was lost and begin to rebuild a better and more solid financial foundation and for some victims they never fully recover from all the loss.

About the Author:

Donna Hines is the Founder of the Lost Self Life After Narcissism. After graduating with her MPA (Public Administration/Criminal Justice) she married a Malignant Narcissist who was abusive in every form including physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and financially. She divorced after an 11 yr marriage and 13 yr relationship with 3 minor children one medically disabled. She struggled through the legal system for 4 yrs to obtain her divorce. After hiring 3 attorneys and living off credit cards for over a year to survive she filed bankruptcy. She was left with very little having to pick up the broken pieces and rebuild. She found herself unemployed and homeless. She was a homemaker for 13 yrs w/o any prior work experience. All the property acquired through marriage was sold off, mortgaged, & all savings bonds and college funds for kids were cashed in. She had no assets ,savings, or credit. She had no foundation upon which to build so she began to look inward. Focusing her energy upon helping others has been her guiding light. She has over 14 yrs volunteering experience and currently works for 9 non profits while searching for employment. She donates her time to helping others and that extends to helping victims of domestic violence and abuse in promoting inner healing, wellness, and recovery in an effort to recover and rebuild in life after narcissism. Much of her work can be located on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, and LinkedIn. She has told her personal story to anyone who will listen including local FBI office, local tv shows, journalist, news reporters, state senators, and even her state's attorney general's office. She continues to speak up on behalf of all victims of domestic violence and abuse. She has plans to write a book in hopes of helping more victims of abuse to come forward and not be afraid to tell their stories of survival in hopes that the broken legal system can be changed.
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